Journal Entry

Well.... Last week was really hard, but my Mom had to come up north for a convention thing for her work and she made it all better. She kept my mind off of everything just by being around... My mom, Keri, and I had a lot of fun visiting, EATING, and shopping. It seemed like we ate a lot hence the capital letters! My mom got here on Wednesday night.. and I'm so glad she was able to spend so much time with us. I did not go to work on Wednesday, Thurs., or Friday. My work was so great about everything and told me to take as much time as I needed. I didn't know that they'd all be so supportive, but I'm so glad they were. I work for wonderful, caring people. I had a lot of family text me and call me to ask how I was doing, and that really meant a lot to me. To know that you are in someones prayers and thoughts really helps a lot. Being able to stay home with Alexis all day on those days helped a ton also. She has such a bright spirit and really makes me so happy :) It is hard to be sad when she is around.

Even though I definitely just needed a few days to let everything sink in, I'm glad that I went back to work today... I'm still not sure if I ever passed it.. I know that I did pass a couple small blood clots here and there.. but nothing that would've made me think it was that. I don't know though.. I probably did, and just didn't realize it. I feel much better and the cramps have stopped. The bleeding is just really light now. I am doing good, and really just staying positive. My mom said that I was handling everything really well and that I was in good spirits! And I really have been :)

My mom had to go home yesterday :( I was very sad... I always love having her around. We went over to Jonathon's moms house for dinner last night and it was very yummy! For my Birthday (March 8th) Jonathon's mom gave me a certificate to get eyelash extensions for FREE! And also a 30 day tanning pass... (I really need it!) I'm glad my mother in law owns a tanning salon.. although I haven't gone tanning yet.. but I'm going to use my pass!

Journal Entry

Well today did not go how I hoped. Throughout the day my cramps have gotten worse, and the blood turned to bright red, and it started getting heavier. I of course was just upset all day long.. and just hoped that my gut feeling would be proven wrong. I went in for the Blood draw at about 4:00 pm. and they called back with the results at 5:30 pm. The hCG level had dropped from 1,084 to 1,066. My worst fear was coming true and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I called Dr. Willis and let him know the numbers... before I really finished he said "Audrey, I'm sorry but this isn't a good pregnancy." I almost lost it, but tried to keep my composure. I asked him what I should do now.. and he said that my cramps will start getting stronger and I will eventually pass it... What do you say when someone tells you that? He said that I could go in and get a DNC which is a surgery to scrape your cervix.. but since we don't have ins. right now I don't really want to go in and get a surgery.

I don't know how to just sit here and wait for something that I've wanted for such a long time, and prayed for to just pass... I have cried so much in the last couple of days that I don't think I have any tears left. Either that or I'm just in denial. Jonathon keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason, and for some reason it just wasn't meant to happen for us at this time. He said that we'll keep trying and that when it is meant to happen we will have a healthy baby. Even though I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep I know that I have a beautiful little girl that hates seeing her mommy sad. She gets so sad if I'm upset, so I am doing my best. I told Alexis that our baby went to heaven, and that we will have baby someday. She said "Mom we just have to say our prayers, so that we can have another baby, huh?" It was so cute. I love my little girl, and I cannot be angry or sad when I have such a sweet little girl that reminds me everyday how blessed I truly am.

I know that there will be days that I will probably be an emotional wreck for a while. It is so hard to have something taken away from you, that you've waited for. I would never want anyone to ever feel this way. I just am trying to remember that Heavenly Father will never give me something I can't handle. I will try to stay positive, and hope and pray that someday soon we will be blessed with another baby.

I know that I have so many people that love and care for me and my family.. and we have truly been blessed to have the life we have. My mom and sisters have been such a support to me the last couple of days.. and I really appreciate everything they do for me. I'm not sure what else to say.. but I did want to write my feelings down. I wish more than anything that the bleeding would have just never started. The weirdest thing is... is that from the day I found out I was pregnant I was always so worried.. I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right... My older sister said the same thing. She said she just knew that something wasn't right and she miscarried also.

I don't know how I will feel in 10 mins. or in 10 hrs. But I hope that things will eventually work out for us.. Alexis wants a brother or sister so bad.. and it kills me that I can't give that to her.. at least not yet. Anyways keep our family in your prayers... and don't feel bad for us. We really have been truly blessed and I can't be ungrateful. God knows a lot more than I do.. and he has a plan for all of us.. even the little ones that don't make it.

Thanks to those of you who have wrote sweet comments to let us know that we are in your thoughts.
Goodnight.

Still waiting.... and wondering

Well my hCG levels were lower than they should be for being 7 weeks. Dr. Willis said that it isn't the number that matter it is if it goes up or not.. I am supposed to go back today at 4:30 for another blood draw to see if the number goes up. From everything I've read it says that it could take 2-3 days for your hCG levels to double.. and Dr. Willis said that in order to know that everything is probably okay the number would need to double from yesterday. So I'm stressed out, upset, and just a mess. I couldn't stop crying yesterday.. and this not knowing is killing me. The cramps have gotten a little worse, but still nothing severe. The spotting has not increased but is still there every couple of hours or so.. I'm just not even sure what to think or feel. This is the worst feeling and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody... I guess we'll see....

A very long couple of days....

Well the last couple of days have been the very worst days of my life. After church yesterday I noticed some spotting :( I immediately started panicking because if there is blood during a pregnancy it is never a good thing. Since it was Sunday and Dr's offices aren't open.. I had to just try to stay calm. Throughout the day I didn't notice to much more spotting, and then last night when I was at my Aunt's house there was some brownish blood. I called the on call doctor and he said as long as I wasn't cramping, and if the blood wasn't clotting or getting worse to just relax and get in to see my doctor asap. So I made a Dr's appointment this morning... I saw Dr. Willis at 3:30 today and he said that out of 100 women, 15 of them will miscarry. He said that if I am going to miscarry that I haven't yet.. because my cervix is still closed. He had me go to the hospital and get a blood draw that will show what my hCG levels are at. I have to wait till tonight to find out.. and even after that I want be sure if everything is okay.. because I have to go back in tomorrow and get another blood draw and see if the hCG levels are going Up or Down. I have been a complete mess the last couple of days.. and Jonathon says that I need to just calm down and not stress about it. He said if it is meant to be than it will happen... Then Dr. Willis said well if you do miscarry just know that it won't take long to get pregnant again. Easy for all these people to say those kinds of things... It isn't happening to him. Anyways every time I go to the bathroom I just pray that the bleeding doesn't get any heavier. I think it started because at church I'm in the nursery and I am constantly lifting kids and I get so out of breathe because I'm just going going going... I don't know if that is just my thought.. or if that could have started it. Anyways I'm FREAKING OUT!!! Waiting till tomorrow to go in again for another blood draw then waiting a couple hours to get the results is just going to take forever..... And anytime Alexis goes up to someone and says "My mommy is gonna have a baby." I seriously almost loose it.. I just want to cry :(

Pictures :)

Alexis was being silly today and wanted to take some pictures :)

I'm doing really good... Tomorrow I will be 7 weeks along. I haven't had any sort of morning sickness or anything.. I've been very tired though. I did set up my first Dr's appt. for March 1st. It feels like October will never get here... But I know it will zoom by. The weeks go by so fast. I know the baby will be here in no time :)

Jonathon's dad is still living with us, and found out he got the job he wanted just the other day. So that will be good for him. He's been trying to find a job since he's been here which is almost 6 months. He was starting to think he'd never find one, so we are glad he did.

Everyone is doing great.. just a quick post to say hello.

I'm blessed.........

Last Wednesday, Jan. 27th I decided to take a pregnancy test while I was at work.. Yes at work....

Jonathon and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half.. and when you are trying to get pregnant it seems like that is when you DON'T get pregnant. I would get my hopes up every month. And month after month get let down. When I decided to take the pregnancy test at work.. I was pretty much regretting wasting my money on a pregnancy test.. (which I had done so many times this last year and a half.) Earlier that morning Jonathon was talking about how we really needed to stop TRYING to get pregnant until we had insurance. In my mind I was thinking I will probably get pregnant now that he wants to wait. Jonathon has always been the one to play it smart.. and really wanted us to get ins. first. I of course did too.. But at the same time Alexis is almost four and I've been ready for another baby for 2 years. Before I took the pregnancy test I took a huge breath and basically just prayed that maybe just maybe this time it would happen..........................................
And sure enough
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We told Jonathon's family that same night.. because they happened to all be at the same place, at the same time.. Which rarely ever happens :) Everyone was so excited and happy for us!
Then I had to wait till my Mom and Dad got here on Thursday night.. (it was really hard not to call my mom right away.) We were planning on telling them in some cool way, but Alexis gave it away.. She said "Mommy is going to have a baby!" My Mom looked at her.. and almost just ignored it.. because Alexis had been saying that she wants a baby for quite a while now... My mom then looked at me, and of course I had a huge smile on my face :) My mom was very happy too! I then called and told my sister Ami the next day.. And then Chad, Kelly, and Keri came over on Friday night.. and again Alexis ran in and said "Mommy is going to have a baby in her belly!" And Kelly jumped on me :) Needless to say I think they were excited too! I haven't told really anyone else.. just because I didn't want to make a huge announcement... Even though part of me wants to stand up and scream FINALLY!!!

This last week has been surreal. I can not believe that I am actually going to have another baby.. I took so many tests that were all negative the last year and a half and to actually get a positive was just unbelievable. That is why I took 3 :) Yes I took 3 tests just to make sure.

Even though I am so so so excited that I can't barely contain it... Part of me is heartbroken for my sister Ami. She has been trying for I think around 2 or 3 years to get pregnant. She got pregnant around 5 months ago or so and then lost the baby a week after she found out. I know that that was the hardest thing that she has ever been through. I was so upset the day that I found out she lost the baby. I always always said that if I had a choice I would want Ami to get pregnant and then I get pregnant a month later... The hardest thing that I had to do was call Ami and tell her that I was pregnant, because her and I had something in common. We both were trying to get pregnant and both were disappointed every month. My sister is wonderful :) And even though I know she was sad, she said that she was very happy for me. That meant a lot to me.. Probably more than she'll ever know. I want so badly for her to get pregnant and just be happy. I know she'd make such a great mommy.. and I know that it will happen for her when the time is right.. I love my sister very much and just hope that she knows that.

Alexis is of course EXTREMELY excited.. Every morning she asks if the baby is almost here. I tell her that the baby will be in my belly for a long time, so that it can grow and get healthy. She can not wait to have a brother or sister. In every single prayer she says she prays for the baby in my belly :) She of course says she wants a brother one day.. and then a sissy the next. Jonathon wants a boy of course.. but I am just so thankful that we are having another baby.. and whatever it is I will forever be thankful to my Heavenly Father. I know I've said it... but I CANNOT believe it. It is so so surreal that I am pregnant. There are so many women in this world that get pregnant and decide to get rid of the baby.. or it's just another problem they have to deal with. I will never ever take for granted the fact that Heavenly Father has blessed me with another angel baby. And I know that Ami will be able to fill the joy that I have one day.

Anyways this is so long... But I don't do this blog for Comments or because I think that people will look on here.. I do it as a scrapbook and journal.. because I will look back at this someday.. and be thankful over and over again for all of my many blessings. I pray that everything goes good this pregnancy and that my baby is healthy.. but everything is in the Lords hands :)
Goodnight.

I have the cutest niece :)

I love love this little girl! She is the cutest thing :) Chad, Kelly, Nicole, Mom, Dad, and Derek all came up this last weekend! My Dad had a dentist appt... and Chad and Kelly just came up to check on their house. We got to go snowboarding down in Fairview with Ami and Sam as well! It was a lot of fun! One night Jonathon made lasagna and this is what happened to Nicole :) I could just squeeze her all day long... We all had a really fun weekend.. I'm glad they came up!