Journal Entry

Well today did not go how I hoped. Throughout the day my cramps have gotten worse, and the blood turned to bright red, and it started getting heavier. I of course was just upset all day long.. and just hoped that my gut feeling would be proven wrong. I went in for the Blood draw at about 4:00 pm. and they called back with the results at 5:30 pm. The hCG level had dropped from 1,084 to 1,066. My worst fear was coming true and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I called Dr. Willis and let him know the numbers... before I really finished he said "Audrey, I'm sorry but this isn't a good pregnancy." I almost lost it, but tried to keep my composure. I asked him what I should do now.. and he said that my cramps will start getting stronger and I will eventually pass it... What do you say when someone tells you that? He said that I could go in and get a DNC which is a surgery to scrape your cervix.. but since we don't have ins. right now I don't really want to go in and get a surgery.

I don't know how to just sit here and wait for something that I've wanted for such a long time, and prayed for to just pass... I have cried so much in the last couple of days that I don't think I have any tears left. Either that or I'm just in denial. Jonathon keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason, and for some reason it just wasn't meant to happen for us at this time. He said that we'll keep trying and that when it is meant to happen we will have a healthy baby. Even though I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep I know that I have a beautiful little girl that hates seeing her mommy sad. She gets so sad if I'm upset, so I am doing my best. I told Alexis that our baby went to heaven, and that we will have baby someday. She said "Mom we just have to say our prayers, so that we can have another baby, huh?" It was so cute. I love my little girl, and I cannot be angry or sad when I have such a sweet little girl that reminds me everyday how blessed I truly am.

I know that there will be days that I will probably be an emotional wreck for a while. It is so hard to have something taken away from you, that you've waited for. I would never want anyone to ever feel this way. I just am trying to remember that Heavenly Father will never give me something I can't handle. I will try to stay positive, and hope and pray that someday soon we will be blessed with another baby.

I know that I have so many people that love and care for me and my family.. and we have truly been blessed to have the life we have. My mom and sisters have been such a support to me the last couple of days.. and I really appreciate everything they do for me. I'm not sure what else to say.. but I did want to write my feelings down. I wish more than anything that the bleeding would have just never started. The weirdest thing is... is that from the day I found out I was pregnant I was always so worried.. I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right... My older sister said the same thing. She said she just knew that something wasn't right and she miscarried also.

I don't know how I will feel in 10 mins. or in 10 hrs. But I hope that things will eventually work out for us.. Alexis wants a brother or sister so bad.. and it kills me that I can't give that to her.. at least not yet. Anyways keep our family in your prayers... and don't feel bad for us. We really have been truly blessed and I can't be ungrateful. God knows a lot more than I do.. and he has a plan for all of us.. even the little ones that don't make it.

Thanks to those of you who have wrote sweet comments to let us know that we are in your thoughts.
Goodnight.